Manscape

The warm weather brings out a lot of clothing not seen since 9 months ago. This if fun, for the most part.

I know I wear tank tops and thus expose you people to the fat that is my upper arms. But at least I shave all the appropriate areas to wear capris and tank tops. You are welcome.

Today, I saw the strangest thing.

First, it was just a really run down new-ish blue minivan from Idaho (oh, the first problem).

It finally parked and this person took a really long time getting all of their stuff together to exit the vehicle.

Having finally emerged I was able to note it was a man in his mid to late thirties carrying one of those GIGANTIC plastic soda mugs, a laptop bag (sans laptop), and a take out bag from Ivars. I think it was Ivars anyway, I couldn't really see it.

The man was wearing a self made tank top... you know, where they rip off the sleeves themselves so their old t-shirts which are full of holes can live another season? The holes are never in the sleeves though.

I was waiting for Aiden and the kids to come pick me up so I watched this man walk past me. Then I noticed it; he was smuggling squirrels in the back of his shirt!

Or was it a chinchilla?

Maybe it was a black lab. But they have short hair, don't they?

Whatever it was, it was covered in long, black, THICK hair that came up out of the back of his shirt like a really confused pompadour.

I'm still not sure what he was smuggling but I can assure you it was dead as it was not moving at all.

How he wasn't being tickled by his own back hair (if that's really what it was) is beyond me.

Also works for words that rhyme with 'witch'... I guess

While sitting at the gas station yesterday the kids were driving me nuts. I can't remember what the talking was all about, just that there was a lot of it. And it was going nowhere fast.

"Look!" I said, "A limo!"

As a kid this would have been enough for me to be distracted.

It still works.

After we all managed to see the limo, which pulled up right next to us, Alex explained, "Or a limousine."

Well, yeah.

Annie wanted to know the difference.

It didn't matter what I said, she decided a limousine was two limos long. or two limos put together.

Finally I got through to her; "you know how your friend is named Addison but people call her Addie? It's the same thing with limo and limousine."

"Oooohhh... what?"

"Like sometimes we say 'honey' but sometimes we say 'hun'? To call people it, not about the food." I have to be very specific sometimes.

She was positive she understood me now.

"Oh, so like, if a man has a dog and names it Honey and then he says "c'mere, Honey" then his wife and his dog would both come?"

What?!?

Ashley and Alex just wanted to know who would name their dog Honey.

What it's like

We went to Applebee's for dinner last night (Wednesday night is "kids eat for 99 cents night"!). The girls had to go potty so we let them walk each other back to the bathroom.

While they were gone our food arrived. Alex took a big dunk of ketchup on his grilled cheese sandwich and bit in.

Then he started making strange noises.

After several attempts to guess what was wrong (it was a really big bite) he decided to fingerspell it ASL style.

K-I-N-K-

"It's kinky?" I asked.

-E-

the laughter ensued.

-R

Aiden guessed it, CANKER in his mouth. OH!

Then I went to check on the girls since it had been a long time since they left us to go potty.

I walked in to bathroom and heard them talking to each other.

There was a large, old, disabled woman trying to get herself into one of the stalls.

I knocked on the handicap stall door (where I take them if we all go together, I totally understand why they went in there) and asked how it was going.

Annie informed me that she couldn't reach the toilet paper and Ashley, who was walking around in there) couldn't get it to give her any.

I made her unlock the door and I went in to help.

While they were unlocking the door the old lady came back out of the stall she was trying to get into and asked if they were finally done yet.

I apologized and said it would just be a minute.

Annie ended up having to finish her business in another stall which only took a second but I was embarrassed that this old woman had to wait for my kids so she could do her own business.

I helped Ashley wash her hands and then Annie emerged ready to do the same. This old woman had moved about 3 inches from the counter (not for spite, just because she was that slow and sore). Annie started washing her hands and I asked the old woman if she needed a hand and apologized once again.

She informed me that she can do it on her own but she's just sore from waiting so long to use the handicapped stall.

I apologized once again, again and went back to our table.

I suppose she thinks I should teach my kids NOT to go in that stall but this is the first time this has happened in all my years of taking kids potty. I am not about to change this habit of theirs. Frankly, Ashley still needs a little help once in awhile and Annie is able to help her.

Am I wrong?

After we got home we took the kids out to ride bikes (except the one who behaved poorly and got an earlier flight to bed). At one point I listened to Alex asking his friend, Jared, how he spits. Apparently Jared and made some comment about Alex's style (which I didn't know he had or was doing...). They were riding around the corner I was stationed at so I only heard the beginning of the answer but I giggled to myself about the things boys ask peer advice for. They are SO unlike girls.

They keep threatening to move. Follow through!!

At what point does the racism card stop being okay to play? Like, when is it OVER played? Because I'm pretty sure my neighbors are there.

Our property owners got rid of one of the dumpsters in our parking lot in an effort to save money. Unfortunately it was the one closest to us. (also unfortunate is the part where they did it right before half the complex moved out).

So we have this admittedly bad habit of putting a bag of garbage outside the front door to take to the dumpster when it's morning or has stopped raining (last night with thunder and lightening). But it's never food garbage. It's like cat box scooped stuff. Mmmmm, good morning!

Our neighbor, who employed this practice daily until she decided to complain about our occasional bag, is now calling our landlord every time she sees it. Which is like twice, I think. But still.

At this point I would also like to explain that they have a car which does not run and has not moved since October. In one of the front and center to our building parking spaces.

So our landlord, who is so caught in the middle and who I am NOT complaining about because she's in no better a place than us, calls us (well, texts now) to let us know our neighbor has complained about the bag of cat poop. But she can't harass them to move their piece of sh*t car because then they go screaming to her boss about racial profiling/discrimination/harassment.

The best part is that we end up getting the shaft since we're white, like our landlord enough to not be little kids about the whole thing (Aiden's totally the one who keeps us in line. I want to bitch!), and are NOT the squeaky wheel.

Awesome.

Things you should know if you move here

One of my professors said they got ticketed for parking their car on their own lawn. At the house they own, not rent. And the officer said, "In Pullman, we don't park on lawns".

What?

I was looking for something else tonight and came across a "Resident's Guide to Pullman" or some such thing.

I started reading.

At first it's really helpful. Phone numbers of the phone company, garbage people, library, etc. All the things you'd ever want to know. Even the fire chief's direct office line. Wow.

Then there is the "summaries of some state and local regulations". This is where it got funny.

Funny because they have to put it on the freakin' page welcoming you to our town.

Which ones do they summarize? Ones about alcohol consumption, nuisance parties, noise restrictions, and fireworks for starters.

There's even a section which specifies that you MAY NOT place indoor furniture out of doors with the intent to leave it there. No couches on the porch for us! Even in privately owned homes. Clearly it was a problem at some point for them to feel the need to address it in city code.

Then, there it was; the parking regulations. It goes through the specifics on how long, in hours, you can leave a vehicle parked on the side of a city street. It discusses the short (read: NO) notice given for snow removal and de-icing.

Tucked in at the end of the paragraph was this. "Pullman City Code, Chapter 12.10.092, also prohibits parking vehicles on front lawns."

But I was not done. Because neither were they.

Here's a section we all need to know (if we're renting): Helpful tips for renters.

Yes, you should get renter's insurance. Yes, you are required to keep your smoke alarms in working order (including the battery). No, you should NOT try to save money and shut off your heat over Christmas Break while you go home to Mom and Dad.

But the best section was the "Safe Housing Checklist".

Why?

Because it includes informational nuggets like:

• Electrical boxes should have covers over the wires.



• If you use an outdoor electrical outlet or switch it should not spark or shock you.



• The support walls and posts should be plumb and straight.



• A door should separate the kitchen from the toilet room. (I'm serious)

but my personal favorite is:

• All apartments are required to have a door opening into a hallway or the outside.

I don't know what happened to make that be part of the checklist but I'm interested to know how those people got IN that place to find out it was a problem to NOT have a door to a hallway or the outside.

I just don't know sometimes

Aiden is a fan of records. As in LPs. My kids sort of know what they are although we don't play them all that often so they are sketchy on the details. Mostly they know a record is for music.

Occasionally Annie will come running down the hall and ask if she can play the record.

Um, no.

"But you always let me," she'll protest.

Really? I always let you play the records? No, I don't. And so Aiden doesn't get mad at me, please stop saying I do. Some of those are expensive!

Finally we remember she means "keyboard". Oh...!

Well, no. Normally, yes. But this "record" conversation has given me a headache that will be made worse by you playing the keyboard demo song over and over and over again. (It's one of those songs you played in Jr. High band.. Mac the Knife or some such thing.)(not Mac the Knife but I can't think of it right now)

Another word she cannot get right? For anything?

Sew.

As in, Mom, my bear has a hole in it. Can you knit it?

Um, I don't knit. Do you mean SEW?

There are some very old women who talk like this. Trust me, I met all of them through my years in customer service. They all manage to use the wrong words for the important piece of the sentence. It's always in the neighborhood of the word they meant but just off enough that it's really confusing.

Like, did you see that episode of FRIENDS where Joey writes his recommendation letter for Monica and Chandler? He gets intimate with a thesaurus.

At least she's pretty.

It makes me uncomfortable. You know what I mean, uncomfortable?

This post, found by linking to this and that and then voila!, makes me laugh.

In the comments there is some person who wrote 'heh'. Which reminds me how much I cringe at that word.

I think there's a lot of people out there who confuse a lot of words. Fine.

But EVERY SINGLE TIME I read 'heh', I get the willies.

Why? Because someone I know likes to write emails and put 'heh heh heh' in them. And while I love that person, I cannot help but imagine some creepy Chi-Mo (child molester, in case you don't know) with that 1970s special haircut from Mastercuts and the Rockford Files mustache and maybe some leather pants... making his plan, observing kids, being creepy in some way. And he always laughs "heh heh heh" with that gravely voice. And maybe he smears ear wax on his mustache (in case it's handle bars and not 1970s bushy).

Hee hee hee, fine.

Heh heh heh? Creeeeeeepy.