WIPE that look off your face

For Christmas this year we were getting a visit from a certain ex-husband of mine. Note the "were". I got a voicemail from him last night saying "I need to talk to you about this Christmas thing". Maybe you don't know what that means, but I do. It means he's not coming.

Riiiiight, your wiper blades won't work.
What? Oh, you and your girlfriend got back together? We call that motive.
And you didn't start looking for the part you think you need until 7:30 at night?!? You're leaving in the morning, right? Or you "were".
You don't even know what part it is that's not working?

He managed to rule out the fuse (because it's so easy a MONKEY could do it) which to him left the only obvious choice: the relay switch.

Okay, it's rare that the motor goes out, from my understanding. But when it happened to me the part was there and we got it fixed. *(Thanks MOM!) The relay switch is so much more rare that Schucks, NAPA, and even the dealerships don't stock the part. In fact, only the dealer had the part in their catalog. Clearly this is the most obvious thing to believe to be wrong.

He's unwilling to borrow Morgan-the-girl-who-had-gotten-smart-and-apparently-got-dumb-again's car for a miriad of reasons. Mostly the list starts with "But I spent $250 to replace two snow tires on MY car" and follows around to "it wouldn't make it because she doesn't take good care of her car". (what kind of boyfriend are you that SHE doesn't take care of her car?!?) (that's sarcasm by the way).

Of course the answer is the same kind of boyfriend as kind of father you are. The kind who is not moving heaven and earth to find a way to get to his kids on Christmas.

And who is making me explain it to them.

Thanks.