You don't need to read this, just skip to the happy post about Alex and Odyssey of the Mind. It's all ready for you, just below this therapy session for myself.
I was sleeping, like normal people. I hadn't been sleeping well for months. We have tried a lot. Finally Aiden turns the mattress around and tonight, I was sleeping! He's so darn thoughtful.
Then, in the sleeping, I have the dreaming. And I dream that Aiden and I are walking down the sidewalk on the 4th of July. Then he suddenly stops walking and seems to fall asleep standing up. This is not unusual anymore. Normally I just say his name kind of loud and sudden and he wakes up out of it. I am 2 steps ahead of him and I turn around. I say his name and he does not wake up, he falls over backward and hits his head on the ground. Then he seizes.
A police officer calls for an ambulance and he is taken to the ER. Suddenly I am at the park for fireworks (it may not be the 4th of July, but there is preparation for fireworks so I don't know what else it is). There are a lot of very old people there and they are all worrying. It seems that Aiden's health was on some kind of broadcast or something but everyone knows. The kids are also there and my friend, Keegan, is babysitting for me. I keep telling everyone I have to leave to get to the ER. Suddenly Aiden is there and asking someone for a chair.
I find him a chair and sit down. I ask why he didn't go to the hospital with the ambulance. He says he did go to SMMC but they already released him. I ask if they knew he hit his head. He looks at me and suddenly I see a very old man. He tells me that he didn't care what the ER docs had to say; he told them he wanted to go back home to me and the kids for the few weeks he has left. Then he tells me that he signed up for hospice care.
I am now awake. Sitting here thinking about the scary things we might go through in the next 2 weeks. Reading young widow websites, trying to prepare for the thing that you can't really prepare for.
I think that this dream is really pulling all of my fears into precise focus. I am scared that I will lose Aiden through this. So many things happening in the last 3 months have probably been symptoms of something larger that we ignored the small symptoms to. When you have as many health issues as Aiden, I think you can easily chalk things up to other things and just miss larger problems hiding until they refuse to be ignored anymore. (Or we are reading into things).
I am glad we are finally going to get some answers, hopefully, in our week in Portland, or at least shortly afterward, right? I am also scared that we will get answers. Scared of what the answers might be. I am also also scared of not getting anywhere.
They have scheduled the next MRI. Luckily they are able to do it the day before A starts his week long EEG so we are going to Portland anyway. I am hoping they get the answers this time. Or at least know before we leave town that they need to do it again before we go.
Anyway, our time is up. Welcome to the crazy things I get to worry about. I am 32 years old and not ready to be a widow. So Hospice will really just have to wait until I am good and ready. Like 85. They can have him then.