I have a new hobby: torturing my children in ways I learned from my own parents. This hobby includes, but is not limited to, the following fun and exciting elements:
-Playing every "oldie" in my record collection. I can actually and honestly say record collection, because I have a collection of these "big, black CDs". I am also a huge music freak who married a huge music freak so our CD collection borders on disturbing.
-Singing along loudly to every aforementioned "oldie", preferably in front of my children's friends, my children's school, and at every stoplight. And most preferably with the windows rolled down.
-Informing my children that I do not own stock in Avista (for your own local enjoyment, insert your own utility company name). Not only do children grow weary of hearing this over and over again, by age 10 they really hope you would finally just ask them to turn their lights off.
-Asking my children if they are paying the electric bill this month. See previous bullet as to why this becomes fun.
-Implying that my children have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Or that they find a particular boy/girl attractive. If you can get the other children involved, it makes it more fun. Child psychologists probably would tell me this is detrimental in their development, but again, doesn't that simply make it more fun?
-Convincing my children to do something embarrassing. For instance, Alex got a voice changer for Christmas and we convinced him to go to several neighbor's houses and yell at their doors in different voices. We giggled uncontrollably. He turned a little red and pretended to find it as amusing as we did.
-Telling my children we're having monkey guts or poop or something else completely inappropriate for dinner because I'm tired of them asking what's for dinner. Usually they start asking at 7 am and don't stop until I tell them we're having something totally grotesque. Of course, Ashley told me today it was "weally, weally mean to say we're having poop fowr dinner". Another fun one along the same lines is telling my kids that we've decided to let them go hungry for the day.
Feel free to employ any of these enjoyable child-torturing devices in your own home. If you have any that I am not aware of, please let me know. I am always looking for new and completely legal ways to torment my children. All I truly hope is that they're learning from me so they may torture their own children someday.